Quiet time

This is my yard mid day. I get no sun in the
Winter, so the snow does not melt. I have
been in a quiet, meditative mood. Thinking
about my life and what I want in the coming
year. So for today, this is it. Have a lovely,
quiet Sunday.

My Boys

This is Spike,

this is Zeus,

this is Mr.B, the cat not the man.

And this is Max.

Happy New Year

I am thinking about the new year and what may
or may not happen. I am thinking about what I
want to do and what I want to change. Of course
I want to change the obvious things, like lose more
weight and run faster, think smarter, love harder,
things like that :-). However, the things I would most
like to change are a bit more abstract. I want to love
without fear. I want to live freedom. I want to never
judge another person, or event ever again. My fondest
wish is to be only myself and to love that self with my
whole heart. I deserve it. I want to love Mr. B without
any fear of being hurt or any fears period. I want to
delight in every single thing that comes into my awareness.
I want to eat without worrying about if the food I am eating
will make me fat. I think the thing I most want is to embrace
all I fear and do it anyway. I want to turn fear to love.
I want to silence my little ego and only listen to spirit.
I have chosen two words to become my mantras in the coming
year, two words I will attempt to do every minute of everyday.
Love and delight. Those are my mantras.
What do you want to change in the coming year? Perhaps
you are way ahead of me and know you don't need to change
anything :-).
In other news I am learning my new camera and photo shop
and I am hoping that I will have some photos for you tomorrow.
Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.

All is well

Love update: We have decided to go forward
together and to go a bit slower. Next up, I go
to LA to visit him, probably in February.
It won't be easy being so far from one another,
but love will win out :-).
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.
I did start my new painting yesterday afternoon
and it felt so very good to begin. I have also decided
my book needs a few more chapters, so I am going
back to work on that this week too.
Life is grand and it feels good to have so many
lovely things to be involved with:
Love. Painting.Writing. I am truly blessed.

Happy Christmas!

I don't have much to write, but I wanted
to send you all off into the week with a
wish for all of you to have a most wonderful,
joyful Christmas. Hold your loved ones near
and be grateful for all you have. I love you.

Howdy

I am back in the saddle, sort of. I have
decided that while my love life is a bit
on hold and in no man's land right now, I
would attempt to get on with my life
despite the unknowns. I am planning on
starting a new painting on Christmas. I
have been working on the book so long,
I have not done a painting for over a year,
and it is way overdue. My work is abstract,
so I really don't know what I will be painting
until I start, except I know there will be circles.
Always circles. I am obsessed with them. It
started about two years ago and now that is
my main focus. I never get tired of em :-).
I am getting a camera from my generous
mom for Christmas and after I learn to use it
:-), I will have a much more interesting blog
and I will take a picture of my new painting
to show you. I guess that is it for today.
Have a lovely weekend everyone.

BLUE

I am feeling blue. I miss Mr.B and I
have so much processing to do as well
as the holidays to deal with. I may go
missing for a while, but I will be back
after it all gets sorted out. Have a great
week everyone.

Back to real life

Well, he is gone. Back home. I have
a lot to process and so does he. We had
a lovely time and it was so great to be
together again. We both had a bunch of
fears and doubts come up and of course
that would all be so much easier to deal
with if we lived in the same place. We were
both putting a lot of pressure on ourselves
to make a decision now. The good thing is
we could talk about all of our fears together.
In the past we would not have. That is a big
improvement. I am so sad he is not here.
I can't help it, I miss him. We both have a
lot to think about and neither one of us knows
what will happen. All we know for sure is that
we love one another.
I also know that doubts and fears do not
come from source, they come from ego.
So, I for one, am going to work hard on not
listening to those hideous voices any longer.
When will we ever learn :-).

Today!

My love arrives today! I won't be near the computer
for at least 3 days! I will give a full report! Have a
wonderful weekend everyone.

Snow

I love snow, I really do, but it has been snowing
for two days non stop and enough already!
I love everything about snow except driving in it.
And driving in it at night is the worst. It sure is
beautiful though, all sparkly and so white. I really
love how it muffles all the sounds and makes
everything so quiet and sort of sacred. I am
thinking this might be my last snowy Winter.
If I do move to LA, no more snow. It makes me
appreciate it a lot more this year. Mr. B will be
here in two days! The snow is supposed to clear
up the day he arrives. I am glad there will be so
much snow for him to see, it has been a while for him.
I am getting nervous about all this now that it is so
close to really happening. I know we will have a
wonderful time, but there are a lot of unknowns
and really I have no idea what will happen next.
He always emails me to create a great day:-), and
that is my plan for his time here. I guess being
a tiny bit scared it normal, but I won't let fear
stop me from having a wonderful, bright, deeply
loving time :-).

Guilt

This topic has come up a lot lately, so it
is on my mind. Why do we feel guilty?
Why do we think guilt comes from God?
You know it doesn't. How could guilt come
from an energy that loves us unconditionally?
Well, it just makes no sense at all :-). Guilt is
a destructive force. Some would say, well,
if I don't feel guilty for bad(which is a judgement)
behavior how will I desire to change? First of all,
none of us really wants to do things that hurt others,
or ourselves, wanting to do good is a motivating force.
You don't have to feel guilty first. Guilt eats away at
you and makes you feel awful, it serves no useful
purpose, except to the little ego. The little ego is the
one who gets great delight in guilt. Why feed that?
If you do something that does not feel good, just
STOP doing it. There is no need to beat up on yourself.
The other reason we feel guilty is really twisted,
we feel guilty if we feel too good! Or get too much!
How silly is that? God wants the best for us and
would NEVER be a party to guilt, especially when it
is about something good that has happened to us.
I for one will be silencing the guilt from now on.

Dreamy

I am very dreamy today. Yes, this is a love
post, so quit reading if you can't handle the
sweet stuff :-). I still can't believe that this
is all happening, and neither can he. We are
so in love, and totally taken by surprise by it.
In five days I will be standing face to face with
the true love of my life, how wonderful is that?
I have waited a lot of years for this and I deserve
it :-). My silly ego gets in the way sometimes, and
I worry I am too old for him(Mr.B is twelve years
younger than me). Then I think about many couples
I know where the women are older by more years than
that and they have been together for a long, long time.
My love calls me every night. Every night! And we talk
for hours. We keep thinking we will run out of things
to talk about, but we never do. He is the smartest
and funniest man I know, and to top it off he is really
handsome and sweet. Who could ask for more?
I have a feeling about how it will all turn out, but
until we spend a little time together, I don't want
to count on anything. One thing I KNOW for sure,
I will love him for the rest of my life.

Voices in our heads

We all have them and some of the time
they are good voices of intuition, but
sometimes they are the voices of the critic
and the judge. Why I still sometimes listen
to those voices, I have no idea. I KNOW what
they say is a lie and not based in any reality
I live in, but still I sometimes listen and let them
get me down. I have been so happy and in love
that the voices calmed down a bit, but I guess
I am just too happy, because the last couple days,
the judge, really had me going. I have come back
to my senses and now I wonder why, I did not
just tell it to shut up right away? I guess there
is no real answer to that question, except that
as hard as I try not to be, I am still a human
in this universe and every once in a while I forget
that I am really a spirit trapped in an ego body :-).
So, for now all is quiet.

Body image

This won't be a long post(of course none of them are).
I have and am having a hard time with my body image.
However, this is not a rant, it is more a wondering, where
this attraction to skinny bodies came from, and why do
I and many other women suffer from a bad self image?
I quit looking at fashion magazines years ago because
I felt so badly about myself after. Understand I am
average height and weigh under 130 pounds. I am not fat.
However, I am far from skinny and far from perfect.
When did a size eight(my size) become large? If I feel
badly, how do women who wear a size 16 feel? I don't eat
a lot and I try to run everyday, yet I still struggle with my
weight. My body wants to be the size it is and I just can't let it be.
I want to love my body the way I love the rest of me, just as it is.
Anybody else feel like this?
If you have found a way to love your body, flaws and all I would
love to hear how you did it.

Challenge

I thought I would say a word or two about
the challenge I gave myself a few days ago.
The stop judging challenge. Here is my update:
I still find myself judging, but I catch myself
right away and I am doing it a lot less. I think
it is mostly being aware and paying attention.
That is something I have been doing with my
thoughts anyway, trying for a positive spin on life.
Judging and being a critic is something ingrained
in our society and I am not sure why.
Being kind and thoughtful, does not seem to
be as important. I think it is odd, don't you?
How different our world would be if we saw it
though eyes that loved rather than judged.
I plan on making this a major spiritual practice,
and hope to one day be judgment free.

Mystery

I have been thinking a lot about the mystery
of life. How you really never know what is
going to happen. No matter how well you plan,
or how much you know, spirit always has a
few surprises up it's sleeve. Right now in my life
I feel like I just woke up:-). Love has a way of
doing that, doesn't it? It wakes you up. Your senses
become more acute and you feel things more deeply.
I have always been good on my own. I love to be alone.
I think, I have for the first time, met someone I would
rather be with than myself. I felt like that the first time
around with him and I feel the same today. We are very
different people, now, almost ten years later. We are
better able to do the relationship thing. Why did spirit
bring us together now? Perhaps we just were not ready
back then. Timing is everything :-).

Love

I have much on my mind right now, mostly love.
Why did this beautiful man, Mr.B come
back into my life? Now that we are in love
again, what is going to happen?
It is all very exciting and scary. All I know
for sure, right now, is that I love him with
my whole being. That is no small thing. Most
people never get to feel this kind of love. I have
been lucky to feel it twice. I am a romantic, but
I have never believed there was just one person
out there for me, I always thought there might be a
few people out there I could love. So far there are two.
The love I have for the nameless one will always
be in my heart. However, it never worked out
with him, our timing was just wrong. Now the
first love of my life is back and my love for him
has taken over my world. What a wonderful, blissful,
happy life is one spent in love. I know many people
think that love fades with time, passion falls away
to comfort. I don't believe that for one minute.
Passion takes a bit of work, but it can last forever.
It remains to be seen what will happen when Mr. B
gets here in 12 days. 12 days!!! In my heart I already
know how this story will play out, but I won't get ahead
of myself here on this blog. One little step at a time.
When you are in love, isn't life all pink and fluffy?
Isn't everyday an exciting adventure? I would love
to hear some of your love stories, please share.
Have a great weekend all.

Blessings

I was over at Simply Wait, Patry Francis' blog.
I was distressed to read that she has cancer.
Then I was so happy because she is such a brave
strong soul. I know she will beat this. I KNOW it.
It got me to thinking about all that I am thankful for.
Health is a big thing, and I have that for the most part.
My family is fairly healthy. My pets are doing well.
I have enough money and a wonderful job.
I am in love with the most dear man in the world :-).
I live in a great place with lots of nature and art.
Yes, things could be better in some areas, but
then something like cancer puts it all in perspective.
All those little stresses are just that, little, when
compared to a life threatening disease. Flat tire,
nothing, money problems, nothing. All is really right
when you have your health. I am so blessed and thankful.
Please send prayers and good thoughts to Patry.
Have a wonderful day.

Judgment

I have been thinking a lot about judgment
and how easy it is to fall into judging people
or situations before we know all the facts.
Like seeing a person in ratty clothes and
assuming they are homeless. Why do we
judge so often, why do we judge at all? I have
been working on a little self-project, and have
vowed to stop judging. It has proven to be harder
than I thought :-). This also includes judging
myself too, which I do too often. I offer this challenge
to everyone reading this post, to stop judging.
I know it can be done. It is just a habit, a mind set,
we are all used to. I want my new habit to be one
of love, and kindness. Something grand to shoot for.
Let me know how you do with it and I will keep
you posted on my progress. So far today I have judged
a couple drivers :-), and a man I saw on the street.
I hope to do better for the rest of the day.
By the way, only a few people are posting comments,
I would love to hear from you, so I know you are
reading. Thanks. Have a wonderful day.

Mush

I am turning into a big, fuzzy, warm,
mush ball of sweet emotion. Those
of you tired of hearing about Mr. B
can leave the room, cause I can't hold
it in anymore. Love is so wonderful and
when it hits the same spot twice I think
it is double sweet. I once loved this man
more than I thought it was possible to love,
and 9 years later he comes back into my life,
and sweeps me off my feet, totally.
He is coming to visit in 2 and a half weeks
and I am so delighted I can't keep this smile
off my face :-). Plane ticket is bought, so I
know it is happening for real. It has all been
such a wonderful surprise, I feel like I am
in some lovely dream. I hope I never
wake up :-). It is too soon to know, but if
it works out, I may be moving to LA. There
is a lot to happen before I decide that, but
it is a possibility. It scares me, but I try not
to project into the future too much. You just
never know what wonderful thing (or person)
is just around the corner. Sigh...I love you
Mr.B with all my heart.

Running

Today I decided to talk about running.
I have only been running for a little over
a year. Starting later in life is a bigger challenge,
but it is better than not starting at all. At first it
was really, really hard. I mean really hard. Now it
is still hard, but gets easier everyday. This morning
I hauled myself out of my very warm, cozy bed and
layered on a bunch of clothes and drove with my dog,
out to our running spot in the desert. It was 5 degrees.
Sparkly snow covered sage everywhere. Very beautiful,
very cold. However, once I started running I began to
warm up and really enjoy the run. It was after all, sunny
and bright. I decided today that I love running in the Winter,
Summer not so much. I know that sounds crazy and maybe I
am crazy, but I just love running in the snow. I slow down and
run less distance when it is hot out, I become a real wimp.
But give me some snow and a cold day and I run like the wind,
sort of, I like to think I am running fast, but probably not.
I hope I am running when I am 100 years old :-).
In other news, I am still in love and we are happily planning
his visit for 3 weeks from now! I will keep you posted.
Have a lovely day everyone.

Forgiveness

I am reading a bunch of great books right now and
they all have a common theme running through them:
Forgiveness. Real forgiveness can heal your life.
It can make you whole. I believe everything is
an inside job, meaning all things start inside, nothing
is really outside of us. If we want to heal ourselves
or a situation we find ourselves in, we have to start
by looking inside, cause that is always where the problem
is. Once we stop blaming others for what is wrong in
our lives and start taking responsibility for what is
happening, we can find forgiveness much easier. There
is no reason in the world to hold a grudge. Most people
are doing the best they can and if we can look at what people
do to us with the eyes of love and forgiveness, things start
to look different. Most importantly we have to forgive ourselves.
Everyone fails, everyone messes up. We need to be kind to
ourselves as well as others. Kindness rules. It is worth trying.
Forgive someone today.

Connection

Why are some of our connections with people, so
deep that we can almost read their minds? Lately
I have been having this weird thing happen. I swear
I can feel Mr. B's feelings. I always know right before
he calls. Seconds before. Last night I had the thought,
B is going to call any second, 2 seconds later he did.
He thinks it is weird and lovely :-). I think it is great!
I believe that when I have experiences like this, it means
I am on the right track. I am flowing. I am listening to my
intuition. At times like this everything is going my way.
Right now, today, I feel triple blessed.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, cause it's about all
the things I love, family and friends, food, and being grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I love you.

GRATITUDE

I think that gratitude is one of the most important
spiritual practices you can do. It can cheer you up
when you don't feel so good, and make you even
happier when you already feel great. It is much easier
to be grateful when you are happy. I am very happy.
I am grateful for my life and the daily miracles that
bless me. Sure things can always be better, but why
dwell on that? I made a commitment to this blog and
to my life to stop complaining and to focus on the lovely
things that happen. Here is today's list;
A bright sun shiny day.
A large mug of hot coffee.
Being woke up by four very wonderful, furry friends.
An early run, while looking at beautiful mountains.
A lovely day at my great job.
Looking forward to a great conversation with the wonderful Mr. B.
The day is not over, so I know there will be lots to add to the list.
What are you grateful for?

Sleepy

We did it again, another late night talking on the phone.
As a result I am so sleepy I can hardly stay awake at all.
I must admit I have not been getting much done in the
evenings. I have paintings to paint and books to write,
but all I am doing right now is falling back head over heels
in love with the sweetest man on the planet :-).
Isn't love the most important thing of all? Yes.
Yes it is. So I don't feel one bit guilty that I have nothing to
show for the last three weeks, but love.
Okay, you (whoever you are) I know you may be getting
sick of reading all this mush. I am sorry about that, it just
happens to be what I am going through right now, and it is
mushy and sweet and lovely and wonderful and I am going with
the flow. However this romantic saga turns out, I am so grateful
for this second chance with the love of my life.
I will attempt to change the subject in tomorrow's post. I promise.

INTUITION

My thoughts today are on intuition. How do we
know something? Even if we have no proof
of what we know. I'm not sure of the how's of it, but
I do know when I KNOW. I try to trust my gut feelings.
Of course there are always other voices in one's head
that compete for attention, however I think in our
hearts we always know the truth of the matter.
I guess the real question is why don't we always listen
to our hearts? Why do we sometimes argue with it?
That is a very tricky question, and it is probably different
for everyone. For me I think sometimes it is because of
fear or lack of belief in my goodness or worthiness.
Getting very quiet at least once a day, I ask for guidance
in my day. I ask for answers to questions. I believe I always
get an answer, and if I am quiet enough I will hear it.
Lately I have been in a bit of an uncertain place, but
today that changed. The fear has gone back to it's dark, dank,
corner and I am fully in the present, and I KNOW.

FEAR

This is going to be a short post, as I was
up until one last night talking with that
lovely Mr. B. We have been talking late into
the night, many evenings, and it is starting to
catch up with me, but oh so worth it. After
I got off the phone last night, I was hit with
a wave of fear. And again this morning. I started
to talk myself out of any possibility of things working
out with B, but then I realized it was fear talking.
I am scared to death that this may really work out
with him. I have been on my own for a long time, and
while I really do want a long term relationship, it scares
me like nothing else. I know he is probably feeling the same.
I for one am going to push through the fear, with all my might.
I am done with being a big wimp. I also realized I can go the
mileage with someone I KNOW it won't work out with. Silly huh?
I am facing my fear and walking straight into the tiger's mouth :-).
Pray for me.

Is God Ironic?

I have been thinking about this
for many days and I think the answer
is yes. YES. As I look at my life and
the lives of others I absolutely say yes.
I mean this in the best possible way :-).
Example: When I was trying to get over
the ex boyfriend mentioned in this blog
as Mr. B, I was having a very hard time
until I met another man(who shall remain
nameless), who I fell for, and who helped me put
Mr. B behind me. Lately I have been trying to
get over the nameless one, and who comes along,
but Mr.B, and now he is helping me get over the
one who helped me get over him. Is that not ironic?
Is that not odd? It makes me laugh out loud.
Have a great day all :-).

SPARKLE

Today I am feeling sparkly and dreamy.
I don't want to say too much as to why
I feel that way as I think somethings should
be private, which is why I don't use names
in my blog, at least not real names. The
friendship with my old flame is heating up
just a bit. We are talking a lot and planning
a meeting soon. I am open to all the possibilities
and trying hard to stay detached from them.
Just too soon to know anything, but still it
gives a warm feeling to know that you have
a chance for something grand, even if it doesn't last.
Worth the risk I think. We are lucky to not know what
is going to happen next, how boring would that be?
Safer perhaps, but oh so boring...I think being brave
has it's own rewards and I am looking forward to mine.
BE BRAVE.

Going with the current

I laid in bed last night and could not sleep.
I was thinking about how life is so funny
and how you can never really be sure what
is going on from one day to the next. When
something happens that is totally unexpected
what do you do? Do you fight against it, or go
with the flow? It seems to me that you just have
to let go and let the stream carry you, no matter
where you may end up. Forget about all the mind
chatter and expectations and let things happen as
they will.
Easier said than done :-).

INSPIRATION

Today I have been thinking about what inspires me;
Love
My animals
Books
Movies
Nature
Passion
Spirit
And I have been thinking about what I am grateful for;
Health
Family
Friends
My animals
My lovely new car my mom bought me
My sweet little house
My good neighbors
My talent
The men I love
The fact that I am able to run
My lovely job
I could go on for a long time, but those are the main
things. I am most inspired to paint right now, so on
my day off I am going to start a new painting, one
inspired by love. The love I have for a dear friend.
One I thought was lost forever, but is newly found.
What are you grateful for? What inspires you?

Dreams in progress

A few days ago I wrote a post about something
that was about to happen, but I did not want
to write about it until I knew more. Well, I know
more now, so I will share. I have been attempting
to get into a gallery here in this little art mecca I live in.
I picked the best gallery in town, next to the one I work
in(the gallery I work in carries art nothing like mine).
I have been visiting and talking to the owner for at least
three years. He FINALLY came to my house to look at
my work. And he got it! He understood what my work is
about. He told me he could not take my paintings now,
but perhaps in the coming year. He said he could see them
in his gallery and that he could sell them! To me this means
it is only a matter of time. I am very excited and totally inspired!
Life is absolutely handing me blessing after blessing(I did have
to do a bit of work for this one :-).
I am so grateful.

FRIENDS

I have been thinking about my new friendship with my
ex boyfriend. The one who found me after a long time.
It means a lot that he looked for me and that he is back
in my life. It means more than I could ever express in
words. This is a man I moved back to California for.
He means the world to me and he must know that, or
he will after he reads this blog :-). I am just so full of
gratitude for this blessing. I NEVER thought we would
ever see or talk to one another again. Never. I hope he
feels the same. I know he does. It seems everyday is so
full of life's blessings and grace, I am full to overflowing.
Thank you Mr. B.

MAGIC

I had something wonderful happen yesterday, but I don't want to
share until I know how it will turn out. I don't want to jinx it.
I will say this, if it turns out how I want it to, I will be on my way
to fulfilling the first step to making my dream come true. I will
tell all when I know more.
Life is so wonderful how it surprises you with the most lovely
things when you least expect it. A few weeks ago I received an
email from an old boyfriend I had not heard from for seven or eight
years. Then we talked on the phone. Now we are friends again
and it is the best. Really the best thing to happen in a long time.
You never know what happy surprise will come your way.
Be ready :-).

TRUST

Today I have been thinking about trust. Trusting God
and trusting others. Like for instance: someone hurts
you in the past, then you are given the chance to be friends
again, do you worry about getting hurt again or do you dive
in and give the new, improved friendship a try? I believe
you must dive in, always trust. You may in fact get hurt again,
but perhaps there is something to learn, or a shiny gem
to glean from the situation. The same goes for everything
you are presented with in life. Trust that no matter what
happens all is well and happening for your best.

DREAMS

I have been thinking a lot about dreams, and how to
make them come true. My biggest dream at the moment
is to work as a writer and artist full time. Working up the
courage to LET IT HAPPEN. I feel most of the time, it is
our own fear and lack of trust that keeps us where we are,
and not moving forward. My challenge to myself is to be
living my dream within a years time. Don't get my wrong,
my life is wonderful. I have lots of great friends and my four
beautiful, wonderful pets (3 cats and 1 dog). I have a lovely
job and I live in a beautiful place, surrounded by desert and
mountains. You could not ask for more. But I am. I want more.
On this blog I will share with you my journey to make this dream
come true. I KNOW it will.

Is anybody out there?

I finally did it. I have a blog. Will anybody read it? Will they care?
I am starting this blog because I get a lot of fun and joy out of
reading other artist's and writer's blogs and wanted to add my
voice to the chorus. I am also a painter and a writer. I will post a link
(if I can figure it all out :-) to my painting site. I have just finished
writing a book and have not even started to look for a publisher yet,
so if any of you have any advice in that regard feel free to comment.
My book is about my spiritual journey of the last thirty years and it
was a wonderful experience writing it. I will be putting it out as an
ebook soon and will post a link to the book site when I get it done.
I feel very shy all of a sudden. This will take some getting used to.
It is a bit scary to put yourself out there into the world. I think having no
expectations is probably best :-). It is great to be here and it feels as if
the possibilities are endless.