Quiet time

This is my yard mid day. I get no sun in the
Winter, so the snow does not melt. I have
been in a quiet, meditative mood. Thinking
about my life and what I want in the coming
year. So for today, this is it. Have a lovely,
quiet Sunday.

My Boys

This is Spike,

this is Zeus,

this is Mr.B, the cat not the man.

And this is Max.

Happy New Year

I am thinking about the new year and what may
or may not happen. I am thinking about what I
want to do and what I want to change. Of course
I want to change the obvious things, like lose more
weight and run faster, think smarter, love harder,
things like that :-). However, the things I would most
like to change are a bit more abstract. I want to love
without fear. I want to live freedom. I want to never
judge another person, or event ever again. My fondest
wish is to be only myself and to love that self with my
whole heart. I deserve it. I want to love Mr. B without
any fear of being hurt or any fears period. I want to
delight in every single thing that comes into my awareness.
I want to eat without worrying about if the food I am eating
will make me fat. I think the thing I most want is to embrace
all I fear and do it anyway. I want to turn fear to love.
I want to silence my little ego and only listen to spirit.
I have chosen two words to become my mantras in the coming
year, two words I will attempt to do every minute of everyday.
Love and delight. Those are my mantras.
What do you want to change in the coming year? Perhaps
you are way ahead of me and know you don't need to change
anything :-).
In other news I am learning my new camera and photo shop
and I am hoping that I will have some photos for you tomorrow.
Have a wonderful weekend, everyone.

All is well

Love update: We have decided to go forward
together and to go a bit slower. Next up, I go
to LA to visit him, probably in February.
It won't be easy being so far from one another,
but love will win out :-).
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.
I did start my new painting yesterday afternoon
and it felt so very good to begin. I have also decided
my book needs a few more chapters, so I am going
back to work on that this week too.
Life is grand and it feels good to have so many
lovely things to be involved with:
Love. Painting.Writing. I am truly blessed.

Happy Christmas!

I don't have much to write, but I wanted
to send you all off into the week with a
wish for all of you to have a most wonderful,
joyful Christmas. Hold your loved ones near
and be grateful for all you have. I love you.

Howdy

I am back in the saddle, sort of. I have
decided that while my love life is a bit
on hold and in no man's land right now, I
would attempt to get on with my life
despite the unknowns. I am planning on
starting a new painting on Christmas. I
have been working on the book so long,
I have not done a painting for over a year,
and it is way overdue. My work is abstract,
so I really don't know what I will be painting
until I start, except I know there will be circles.
Always circles. I am obsessed with them. It
started about two years ago and now that is
my main focus. I never get tired of em :-).
I am getting a camera from my generous
mom for Christmas and after I learn to use it
:-), I will have a much more interesting blog
and I will take a picture of my new painting
to show you. I guess that is it for today.
Have a lovely weekend everyone.

BLUE

I am feeling blue. I miss Mr.B and I
have so much processing to do as well
as the holidays to deal with. I may go
missing for a while, but I will be back
after it all gets sorted out. Have a great
week everyone.

Back to real life

Well, he is gone. Back home. I have
a lot to process and so does he. We had
a lovely time and it was so great to be
together again. We both had a bunch of
fears and doubts come up and of course
that would all be so much easier to deal
with if we lived in the same place. We were
both putting a lot of pressure on ourselves
to make a decision now. The good thing is
we could talk about all of our fears together.
In the past we would not have. That is a big
improvement. I am so sad he is not here.
I can't help it, I miss him. We both have a
lot to think about and neither one of us knows
what will happen. All we know for sure is that
we love one another.
I also know that doubts and fears do not
come from source, they come from ego.
So, I for one, am going to work hard on not
listening to those hideous voices any longer.
When will we ever learn :-).

Today!

My love arrives today! I won't be near the computer
for at least 3 days! I will give a full report! Have a
wonderful weekend everyone.

Snow

I love snow, I really do, but it has been snowing
for two days non stop and enough already!
I love everything about snow except driving in it.
And driving in it at night is the worst. It sure is
beautiful though, all sparkly and so white. I really
love how it muffles all the sounds and makes
everything so quiet and sort of sacred. I am
thinking this might be my last snowy Winter.
If I do move to LA, no more snow. It makes me
appreciate it a lot more this year. Mr. B will be
here in two days! The snow is supposed to clear
up the day he arrives. I am glad there will be so
much snow for him to see, it has been a while for him.
I am getting nervous about all this now that it is so
close to really happening. I know we will have a
wonderful time, but there are a lot of unknowns
and really I have no idea what will happen next.
He always emails me to create a great day:-), and
that is my plan for his time here. I guess being
a tiny bit scared it normal, but I won't let fear
stop me from having a wonderful, bright, deeply
loving time :-).

Guilt

This topic has come up a lot lately, so it
is on my mind. Why do we feel guilty?
Why do we think guilt comes from God?
You know it doesn't. How could guilt come
from an energy that loves us unconditionally?
Well, it just makes no sense at all :-). Guilt is
a destructive force. Some would say, well,
if I don't feel guilty for bad(which is a judgement)
behavior how will I desire to change? First of all,
none of us really wants to do things that hurt others,
or ourselves, wanting to do good is a motivating force.
You don't have to feel guilty first. Guilt eats away at
you and makes you feel awful, it serves no useful
purpose, except to the little ego. The little ego is the
one who gets great delight in guilt. Why feed that?
If you do something that does not feel good, just
STOP doing it. There is no need to beat up on yourself.
The other reason we feel guilty is really twisted,
we feel guilty if we feel too good! Or get too much!
How silly is that? God wants the best for us and
would NEVER be a party to guilt, especially when it
is about something good that has happened to us.
I for one will be silencing the guilt from now on.

Dreamy

I am very dreamy today. Yes, this is a love
post, so quit reading if you can't handle the
sweet stuff :-). I still can't believe that this
is all happening, and neither can he. We are
so in love, and totally taken by surprise by it.
In five days I will be standing face to face with
the true love of my life, how wonderful is that?
I have waited a lot of years for this and I deserve
it :-). My silly ego gets in the way sometimes, and
I worry I am too old for him(Mr.B is twelve years
younger than me). Then I think about many couples
I know where the women are older by more years than
that and they have been together for a long, long time.
My love calls me every night. Every night! And we talk
for hours. We keep thinking we will run out of things
to talk about, but we never do. He is the smartest
and funniest man I know, and to top it off he is really
handsome and sweet. Who could ask for more?
I have a feeling about how it will all turn out, but
until we spend a little time together, I don't want
to count on anything. One thing I KNOW for sure,
I will love him for the rest of my life.

Voices in our heads

We all have them and some of the time
they are good voices of intuition, but
sometimes they are the voices of the critic
and the judge. Why I still sometimes listen
to those voices, I have no idea. I KNOW what
they say is a lie and not based in any reality
I live in, but still I sometimes listen and let them
get me down. I have been so happy and in love
that the voices calmed down a bit, but I guess
I am just too happy, because the last couple days,
the judge, really had me going. I have come back
to my senses and now I wonder why, I did not
just tell it to shut up right away? I guess there
is no real answer to that question, except that
as hard as I try not to be, I am still a human
in this universe and every once in a while I forget
that I am really a spirit trapped in an ego body :-).
So, for now all is quiet.

Body image

This won't be a long post(of course none of them are).
I have and am having a hard time with my body image.
However, this is not a rant, it is more a wondering, where
this attraction to skinny bodies came from, and why do
I and many other women suffer from a bad self image?
I quit looking at fashion magazines years ago because
I felt so badly about myself after. Understand I am
average height and weigh under 130 pounds. I am not fat.
However, I am far from skinny and far from perfect.
When did a size eight(my size) become large? If I feel
badly, how do women who wear a size 16 feel? I don't eat
a lot and I try to run everyday, yet I still struggle with my
weight. My body wants to be the size it is and I just can't let it be.
I want to love my body the way I love the rest of me, just as it is.
Anybody else feel like this?
If you have found a way to love your body, flaws and all I would
love to hear how you did it.

Challenge

I thought I would say a word or two about
the challenge I gave myself a few days ago.
The stop judging challenge. Here is my update:
I still find myself judging, but I catch myself
right away and I am doing it a lot less. I think
it is mostly being aware and paying attention.
That is something I have been doing with my
thoughts anyway, trying for a positive spin on life.
Judging and being a critic is something ingrained
in our society and I am not sure why.
Being kind and thoughtful, does not seem to
be as important. I think it is odd, don't you?
How different our world would be if we saw it
though eyes that loved rather than judged.
I plan on making this a major spiritual practice,
and hope to one day be judgment free.

Mystery

I have been thinking a lot about the mystery
of life. How you really never know what is
going to happen. No matter how well you plan,
or how much you know, spirit always has a
few surprises up it's sleeve. Right now in my life
I feel like I just woke up:-). Love has a way of
doing that, doesn't it? It wakes you up. Your senses
become more acute and you feel things more deeply.
I have always been good on my own. I love to be alone.
I think, I have for the first time, met someone I would
rather be with than myself. I felt like that the first time
around with him and I feel the same today. We are very
different people, now, almost ten years later. We are
better able to do the relationship thing. Why did spirit
bring us together now? Perhaps we just were not ready
back then. Timing is everything :-).

Love

I have much on my mind right now, mostly love.
Why did this beautiful man, Mr.B come
back into my life? Now that we are in love
again, what is going to happen?
It is all very exciting and scary. All I know
for sure, right now, is that I love him with
my whole being. That is no small thing. Most
people never get to feel this kind of love. I have
been lucky to feel it twice. I am a romantic, but
I have never believed there was just one person
out there for me, I always thought there might be a
few people out there I could love. So far there are two.
The love I have for the nameless one will always
be in my heart. However, it never worked out
with him, our timing was just wrong. Now the
first love of my life is back and my love for him
has taken over my world. What a wonderful, blissful,
happy life is one spent in love. I know many people
think that love fades with time, passion falls away
to comfort. I don't believe that for one minute.
Passion takes a bit of work, but it can last forever.
It remains to be seen what will happen when Mr. B
gets here in 12 days. 12 days!!! In my heart I already
know how this story will play out, but I won't get ahead
of myself here on this blog. One little step at a time.
When you are in love, isn't life all pink and fluffy?
Isn't everyday an exciting adventure? I would love
to hear some of your love stories, please share.
Have a great weekend all.